Life just sucks sometimes.
This pregnancy that I announced in November was fatefully doomed.
I received confirmation of the miscarriage via ultrasound and blood work two days ago, after I started bleeding (like period bleeding) and my midwife couldn't find the heartbeat with the Doppler. I was to be 11 weeks along yesterday, and the baby wasn't even measuring 8 weeks. They said that the baby likely passed within just a couple days after the last sonogram, shown below, where the heart beat was happily at 174bpm and the baby was just starting to move. This is the final picture of my child while living.
Down the tubes goes my hopes and dreams for this little one... to wait for the next little soul to grace us with its presence, hopefully more permanently.
No more thinking about the anatomy scan that was going to be coming up soon... no more starting to think about a baby shower since this is my first. No more daydreaming about summer birthdays since this one was due in the middle of summer. No more dreaming about a baby girl wearing the pink tutu dress with the big bright cheeky smile inherited from her daddy. No more dreaming about an artistic baby boy who likes to draw and play baseball. No more thinking about this upcoming Halloween and what we would dress the baby up as.
I cry... but more on the inside than out. The tears fall within, borne from pain of 2 years of infertility, health issues, hard research, and death.
My soul cries, knowing that this was all planned for me to experience in this life time... and yet with all the advances in medical science, we are unable to tell why women miscarry and what the exact reason was.
So now... I sit back and wait, while my body expels the tissue naturally... knowing that I created this, and I also killed it. This is where infertility hurts the most.
Infertility strikes any woman to the core; making us feel less womanly.
The power within the woman is amazing... we have the power to create from within... and the power to kill from within.
I seek to find peace from within... and balance. I am sad, while I sit here, bleeding both from my body and from my soul, but it won't last. I will return to the strength I once was... and to know that something so small can tear down my rock solid emotional defenses...
... is heart warming and I can't wait to try again.