Death, death and more death.

I've had enough.

While I did ask for a life change... I didn't ask for my life to be ripped up out of the ground and torn to shreds.

As of my last update post, I had left my previous job and had just accepted a new one, which has turned out wonderfully. I'm not stressed at work... and I think they may actually use my capabilities better than any corporate job would.

Also ovulated on my own for the first time in a reasonable amount of time, showing the release of work related stress.

That was just the start.

Not a week later, on June 10, my husband totaled his 2000 Corolla in a freak incident involving hay bales that fell out of someone's truck, causing chain reaction chaos that unfortunately David was involved in.

You can see one of the other vehicles in this pic and their crunched up front end, as well as the hay bale on the freeway.

So we go from paid off Corolla... to new-to-us Toyota Matrix (basically a Corolla with a hatchback) with a payment. Wonderful, after I've taken a massive pay cut with my job change.

So that was Monday.

That same Friday, we found out that my sister, who was 24 weeks pregnant with my niece, Emily, had stopped feeling movement... and Emily had passed away. My sister had the heartbreaking experience of a second trimester loss... which dredged up all kinds of hell within me with all my losses, mostly my January loss.

Two days later... I got a positive pregnancy test.

It was so faint, it almost wasn't there, and that's 14dpo, so I had the feeling it was going to be yet another chemical pregnancy... and it was. The tests were negative by that evening after a long hold. I tried the next morning with my first morning pee, and still negative.

The next day, my sister was induced and she birthed baby Emily at 6:05pm. The baby was so tiny... Feeling my sister's anguish over losing her first born and her sobbing and apologizing... absolutely heart wrenching.

My bleeding from my chemical pregnancy started as my sister birthed Emily. That was truly strange.

Then we had a week of nothing happening... everything was going ok.

And then more hell broke loose...

Our dog, 1 year old Banner, who had been struggling with epileptic grand mal seizures, was killed by a cluster of seizures that went for too long on July 3rd.

This was such a shock... we didn't think he'd die from it. We only had the puppy for 6 months... he was found as a stray.  He was so frickin adorable too... the cutest boxer/pitbull mix I've ever seen, known as a bullboxer pit. This picture was taken a week before he passed. We were showing off his new Batman collar and his personalized tag we just got for him.

So that happened two days ago... yesterday was Emily's memorial where we released balloons with notes attached to them, written to Emily. Mine was written to Emily and Banner... I'm sure my husband's was also. We both put our notes on the same balloon... it weighed it down more than the others, so it took longer to take off... but then finally a wind gust caught it and pulled it up and away.

So today I sit at my computer... feeling pretty sorry for myself. This past month has sucked ASS. The only good things were that I ovulated on my own and I have a new wonderful job that doesn't drive me insane.

I don't think I can handle anymore heartache... with the loss in January, now a new one which almost wasn't there to up my tally of lost pregnancies to 11 since December 2010... losing my puppy who was well trained and smart and just so happy... losing my niece... knowing my sister is now a member of the stillbirth club...

I can't do it anymore.

Universe... please please please give me/us a break.

I really hope that this death cycle is over... death of my baby, death of my grandpa by suicide in March, death of my sister's baby, death of my puppy... all in 6 months.

This seriously tests my limits of acceptance... I typically will accept things and move on relatively easily. I have the belief that I wrote all of my life path... so I take comfort in that I wrote this in so I can experience it and accept it. Appeals to my need to control my life I think.

But this is going far... I'm having a hard time accepting that so much has been taken from me lately, while I continue to give and give all I can with educating people and helping them feel better...

I really hope I didn't write anymore tragedy in for a long time.

Pantothenic Acid (Vitamin B5) and weight loss

Spectracell Labs posted a very informative blog post regarding vitamins and weight management here that flipped on the light bulb for me today.

I was so thrilled I almost cried.

So let me start from the beginning with a bit of background.

I have expressed in prior posts how I had been overweight, went thru the hcg diet a few times, got down to my ideal weight, and then I gained weight like no other in the next year, unable to control my weight gain with my strict immense willpower when it comes to food. I gained some 90lbs and would have kept going if I hadn't found my Celiac at the end of 2011. Went gluten free and weight gain stopped... but no weight loss ever happened on its own.

Found out last September that I had a severe vitamin B5 deficiency after being tested by Spectracell Labs. Come to find out, this is normal for celiacs, as I think I mentioned in my post back then.

So... I started supplementing B5 after finishing yet another round of hcg dieting that was absolutely fruitless. (No weight loss at all)

Got pregnant in November... and I actually lost a size while pregnant. No crazy food issues either. No major morning sickness that prevented me from eating or anything.

Lost the baby in January... and ran out of my huge bottles of pantothenic acid then. Thinking I didn't need it anymore, I didn't bother to replace them.

I gained 10lbs in the following two months... realized I felt like crap again so I started up the b5 again at half the dose, and realized I'll probably have to supplement for the rest of my life... I just don't absorb it properly.

Ok so now that you have the short and sweet story... the reason for this whole post.

Spectracell mentioned in their blog that B5 is the precursor to the enzyme lipase, which is the FAT BURNING ENZYME.

Holy mother of god... I found the reason why I gained so much weight uncontrollably and now I know how to reverse it.

I've been all about the enzymes lately... I knew I was lacking in lipase but I couldn't figure out why nor how to fix it, other than to supplement with digestive enzymes.

If I look back at my history it all makes sense.

Fasted with the hcg diet a number of times in 2009, likely depleting cellularly stored pantothenic acid. Since I don't absorb it properly, I wasn't able to replenish it. With each hcg round, my ability to lose weight decreased and the weight loss would slow. I notoriously lost less weight than others doing the same diet and even with them cheating on it and me being very strict.

So I gained after I was done with those. A lot. No lipase available to burn fat as energy.

Fast forward to October last year... didn't lose at all... my stores were empty, as referenced by my nutrition report.

November thru January supplementing 1g a day and lost a pant size (didn't lose scale weight, but didn't gain either).

Bottle ends and I gain weight back.

I get a new bottle and flip from taking 500mg to 1g a day... mostly 500mg a day. I fluctuate in size... I don't know my smaller days are related to the 1g or not.

SO... I took 2g today of pantothenic acid. My normal 500 this morning and 1500mg this evening.

I so can't wait to see if this is going to work for me.

I will check in with this later.

As of this morning, I am 225.2 lbs.

In the meantime, check out this wonderfully written article about pantothenic acid:

http://www.coryholly.com/articles/article.cfm?id=172