Sometimes things just happen...

Ok, I'm going to upset most women suffering from infertility out there.

Things happen for a reason.

This is the case for me.

I kept my eyes open after losing the last LO in January. My body REFUSED to ovulate normally. I had a really weak ovulation in March, which was clearly a no-go... and I hadn't ovulated since.

Until this week.

Let's do a recap:

I lost my 11 week pregnancy on January 6.

Haven't been able to ovulate properly since.

I have sworn that my job was making me infertile... that's how stressed out I was.

I left my job on 5/22.  I skipped my way to my car, just thrilled to pieces that I NEVER had to go back.  I did end up having to go back a couple days later to pick up my stuff, and after getting through that anxiety attack, I went, got my stuff and left.

I have been peeing on opks for a couple weeks, just to see what my luteinizing hormone is doing. I was expecting a ridiculously long cycle. Last time I actually ovulated, it was on CD27.  Last cycle, I got to CD35 before I started progesterone to end the cycle.

And two days ago, CD23, I get a positive on my opk.  The top one is from that morning, the bottom one was taken at like 2pm.  I randomly did this... I usually only took 1 a day. Either way, I would have seen the positive the next morning either way... but holy smokes.

My temp is starting to go up... my breasts are a little tender... and as of today, my opk is negative. I think I actually ovulated...

... on my own!!

So... today, I had an interview with a new employer for a position that I think I will succeed with.

... and I start tomorrow.

Can you believe this?!  New job, suddenly ovulating now that I'm no longer with my prior employer that was killing me with stress... 

Imagine all this happening at 7-8 months pregnant.

There's a reason why that baby miscarried. As bad as it sounds... it wasn't time.  It may still not be time. 

But I know that I'm moving forward in my own journey. Changes are always a good thing.

I know for a lot of women going through similar fertility issues, it's not about "relaxing" or anything like that. They have a medical condition that they have to overcome for it to happen.

I've already done that. ;-)  And I still don't have my baby and my bloodwork showed clean at the RE for the repeat loss panel.  We didn't know why I was still having problems ovulating after the miscarriage. It was a big ??

Sometimes, when it's just a big question mark as to why certain things are happening... there is no quantifiable reason... 

Sometimes you just need to step back and let go of the reins and let the Universe take you.

I did... and I'm better off.

Chakra Healing Audio and Healing Symptoms

I had to share this... I randomly found this today in my online searching, so I started listening to it.

Ooo boy! I have a lot of chakra issues.  I couldn't make it through the whole audio.

Shoot, I couldn't make it through 15 minutes without pausing it and walking away to calm down my body.

In listening to things like this that energetically help you heal, if you go into something like panic attacks or have a bout of nausea or get dizzy... this is just your chakras shaking off the negative attachments as well as opening up and healing.

It's kind of like a Herxheimer Reaction (die-off reaction)... but from energy healing.

Take it slow... breathe deep... if you need to stop the audio because you just aren't feeling good, stop it and go back to it later.

It's what I had to do... I think I need to focus more on my energies these days and fix this problem because I shouldn't be having this kind of a "die off".

Well... maybe I should considering what I've been through lately, having been laid off last week, raped last year, 11 week miscarriage this year... yeah, that's a lot of emotional baggage.

Here's to fixing your energy!

Gluten Free Hodgson Mill Pizza Crust

Amazing crust. This stuff actually uses yeast and rises and tastes JUST like the real thing. The texture is JUST LIKE gluten filled crust.

The possibilities are endless with this brand. Well done.

End result? A very yummy homemade pizza... and I'm totally buying this brand again.

Other brands make a "cake" type of "non" dough that's not easy to work with. This was.

End note: My dough was cooked on a stone. I didn't push the dough down in the middle of the pie like I should have, so it ended up a bit messy... but who cares?! It's all going to the same place right??

It's been a while...

With everything that happened earlier this year, there was just WAY too much going on and I didn't have the motivation, nor the need, to express how I felt here.

I spent so much time, in January and February, recovering from the miscarriage and from my Cymbalta withdrawal.

Truly, the worst, physically and mentally, was the Cymbalta. Emotionally, it was the miscarriage.

I truly HATED getting off that drug. It is one of the worst things I've been through. Going from high to low to wild to sleepy while my brain figured itself out... it was friggin' ridiculous.

As I may have mentioned in my prior post on the HSG, my cycle had to be forced using Provera, some 41 days post miscarriage.  The next cycle, the HSG cycle, ended up being a long cycle as well. I didn't ovulate until CD27, AF showed on CD41.

And now... here I am... CD37... and still no ovulation. This is late, even for me.

This is even with an HCG TRIGGER that I took on CD14.

Nope. Body said NO. Went all Grumpy Cat on me.

Since it's so late, I have decided to start a round of progesterone therapy.  I started my Natpro cream to give my body a dose of progesterone. I feel like I may have created a cyst or two from the trigger, and the fact that I'm not ovulating is concerning.

Cool part... my bloodwork is completely clean. No problems whatsoever.

Bad part... this means they don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

So... I have started something called Wobenzym. These are systemic enzymes that are there to help your body bring it back to healthy status. Talk about a massive detox. I will post something on Wobenzym later, defining what it does and explaining some benefits. I'm still in the process of doing the full research on it.

Another good news... I am not allergic to any foods! (other than wheat of course) So any intolerances will likely be addressed by the Wobenzym. I will link to my post on Wobenzym when I post it.

I will get back in the groove of sharing information that I find on this journey that I'm forced to travel.

HSG Diaries

So after my miscarriage in early January,  I basically said, "Fuck it" to trying to conceive naturally and called a Reproductive Endocrinologist.

I was in the next day, if you can believe that. How's that for a sign?

So she set up for a bunch of bloodwork and a hysterosalpingogram, aka HSG, concerned with the number of miscarriages I have had.

Bloodwork done... she found a pelvic infection which been treated the past few days by antibiotics...

And today was the HSG.  *cue scary music*

I had read many different stories about the HSG procedure but didn't really connect to it, thinking that I'll have my own experience. I thought my tubes would be good... pain would be normal and manageable...

Let me preface this with this information before I scare the hell out of someone: I have Celiac disease and my pelvic area HATES any invasive stuff. So I'm more likely to have pain due to that. I also got slightly glutened yesterday. That adds in (very slightly) as well.

So I sit here, in pain, 10 hours post HSG, therefore my view might be skewed.

Went in... excited to find out what's going on.

I was well prepared by my RE... she told me it might hurt.

She asked me to cough... and here we go.

The catheter entering my cervix did create a bit of an automatic "jerk" reaction and then calmed. Sure, slight irritation but nothing huge.

Then the dye.

Oh. My. God.

Shoot me now.

Having that dye shoved in there... the worst cramping I have ever felt. Now, if you read my miscarriage experience, I went thru some extreme pain on January 6, causing vomiting.

This was not quite the same, but it sure as hell was close. If my miscarriage was a 10 on the scale, this was a solid 8.5, maybe 9. The "catch your breath and you better not breathe" kind of pain.

And then it disappeared. The pain disappeared so fast, within 30 seconds of a push on the syringe.

And just as I was relaxing from the shock, another shot of dye came again, and yet another shock of pain.

So painful.

So my uterus is properly shaped, and my right fallopian tube flows wonderfully.

My left tube... not so much. I know my left ovary has issues with bloodflow and I tend to ovulate from my right. So the fact that my left tube is open (NOW... christ she forced it open), but flows at like 10% the rate of my right tube.

Turns out the pain is likely from trying to force my tube open. While I appreciate the gesture,  I am a bit sore down there now.

I left, more than spotting, but not in pain within a minute of the procedure being done.

And then my ibuprofen wore off.

Coughing hurts. Haha Going number 2 hurts. (Remember I got glutened)

I'll get over it. I'm just whining. I don't feel well, and haven't for the last day... catching a cold. Likely from the antibiotics I'm on. (Remember, your health is in your gut... antibiotics kill your gut, therefore kill your immune system... I'll post on that later)

Miscarriage experience

Just for those who are searching... because I certainly was.

Miscarriage sucks. It varies in the pain category,  depending on the pregnancy. Every pregnancy changes... and this is my story.

Found out about the miscarriage Thursday.

By Friday,  the bleeding was barely there... so I drank an angelica decoction to help bring it faster, so I can just be done with it.

Saturday, there was some heavier bleeding, but nothing notable. It appeared to stop by evening. I didn't want to do another decoction to avoid any bleeding issues.

I woke up Sunday morning to my husband lying in bed, listening to music.

I noticed that I was cramping pretty heavily and felt like I might be leaking so I got up to check. It felt a lot like IBS cramps, which is usually relieved by a bowel movement. No dice.

When I got back to my bed, the contractions were not pretty. I was noticing they were pretty heavy and noting that I was likely fully miscarrying this morning.

I'm typically a real trooper when it comes to my pain, so the fact that I agreed that the cramping hurt a bit was huge.

I laid down, with the intent of trying to go back to sleep.

No deal. Had to pee again.

Got up again... and when I made my way back to the bed, the pain was debilitating.  I was surprised at how much it hurt... it's just a miscarriage for pete's sake.

I laid down and tried to focus on other things... Facebook,  pinterest... nope. The contractions were starting to get nasty, now that I was awake.

Contractions weren't decreasing at all. They were lasting for 5-10 minutes and only giving me a break of a minute between.

I kept trying to change positions to ease the pain... and finally had to get up. I walked back and forth, trying to ease the discomfort that was steadily growing... threatening to reach an unmanageable level.

Nausea started rising from the pain, and my concern for safety grew. I'm all about letting the body do its thing, but not to the point where I can't walk without vomiting. 

I asked David to get me a bowl. I knew the vomiting was coming and my bowels were insisting on emptying themselves at the same time.

I sat on the toilet... the contractions consuming me. I tried reiki to calm my nerves and stomach... I absolutely could not focus enough, so I then focused on giving in to the pain, letting my body do what it needs.

The vomiting started... creating a pushing action down below. It wasn't painful... the contractions were painful, not the pushing. I started focusing on trying to stop the vomiting... nothing was coming out... only digestive juices. I could not get it to stop.

About 5 minutes into continuous vomiting, and during a gracious break, my water broke.

Oh My God.

The relief I felt at just having that release in pressure was heavenly.

Immediately, my nausea disappeared.

At 11 weeks, there is apparently a lot for the uterus to get rid of and it was struggling to get the unready unripe cervix open, causing the massive pain.

I believe I passed the baby when the water broke... my bleeding has since slowed considerably.

I post this horrendous experience for others who are going thru the same thing. We, as mothers, are scared shitless to go through a miscarriage in the first place... I can only hope my experience tells that this kind of pain in a miscarriage is normal.

The Hopelessness of Infertility

Life just sucks sometimes.

This pregnancy that I announced in November was fatefully doomed.

I received confirmation of the miscarriage via ultrasound and blood work two days ago, after I started bleeding (like period bleeding) and my midwife couldn't find the heartbeat with the Doppler. I was to be 11 weeks along yesterday, and the baby wasn't even measuring 8 weeks.  They said that the baby likely passed within just a couple days after the last sonogram, shown below, where the heart beat was happily at 174bpm and the baby was just starting to move.  This is the final picture of my child while living.

Down the tubes goes my hopes and dreams for this little one... to wait for the next little soul to grace us with its presence, hopefully more permanently.

No more thinking about the anatomy scan that was going to be coming up soon... no more starting to think about a baby shower since this is my first.  No more daydreaming about summer birthdays since this one was due in the middle of summer.  No more dreaming about a baby girl wearing the pink tutu dress with the big bright cheeky smile inherited from her daddy.  No more dreaming about an artistic baby boy who likes to draw and play baseball.  No more thinking about this upcoming Halloween and what we would dress the baby up as.

I cry... but more on the inside than out.  The tears fall within, borne from pain of 2 years of infertility, health issues, hard research, and death.

My soul cries, knowing that this was all planned for me to experience in this life time... and yet with all the advances in medical science, we are unable to tell why women miscarry and what the exact reason was.

So now... I sit back and wait, while my body expels the tissue naturally... knowing that I created this, and I also killed it.  This is where infertility hurts the most.

Infertility strikes any woman to the core; making us feel less womanly.

The power within the woman is amazing... we have the power to create from within... and the power to kill from within.

I seek to find peace from within... and balance.  I am sad, while I sit here, bleeding both from my body and from my soul, but it won't last. I will return to the strength I once was... and to know that something so small can tear down my rock solid emotional defenses...

... is heart warming and I can't wait to try again.